accepting pain

Accepting Pain

Accept pain? No way!

Deep down, most of us feel this way, even if we’ve been raised on maxims like “no pain, no gain.” The fact is, when we willingly endure discomfort, we usually do so because we expect to be repaid with comfort later. We forgo partying to study because we want the rewards that success promises. We sacrifice for loved ones because supporting others fosters a sense of satisfaction and worthiness.

This transactional nature of sacrifice doesn't diminish the reality of altruism. Helpfulness serves the collective, and wise people recognize that a healthy collective ultimately serves the individual. Altruism thus pays for itself twice: first through the immediate feeling of doing good, and later through reciprocal kindness.

But the unchosen pain that life imposes seems like an entirely different proposition. If we suffer an agonizing illness, where is the payoff? If a loved one dies, where is the benefit? In the immediate aftermath, there is nothing but loss.

And yet, over time, gain often emerges. A threatening health problem can make us deeply appreciative of the simple fact of being alive. A major loss frequently clears the path for new relationships and deeper roots of inner strength. Even shattering traumas during childhood can eventually lead to profound maturity; countless remarkable people were forged in trying circumstances.

Pain points us toward something greater than itself. While suffering is deeply wearying, acceptance begins when that weariness softens into tenderness—a hard-won compassion for ourselves and others.

I have lived with chronic physical pain for more than twenty years. What's more, major depression has knocked me down countless times since adolescence. For many years, the weight felt like more than I could bear. But bear it I did, because I had no choice beyond suicide. And because of that endurance, life now seems far more beautiful than it did when I resisted my fate, wishing for better breaks, wanting a different life. Accepting rather than fighting the pain opened me to a wash of joy I couldn't have imagined. How silly it now seems to hope wish things were different. How wise, I now realize, to make the most of what actually is. 

Still, I didn't really choose to accept pain; acceptance was forced upon me. No matter. I got the message to let go, cease resisting, and love Life as it comes.

My life is not pain-free, nor is it without sorrow. But through my lived experience I've learned how the awesome mystery of being alive is worth the price, however high. Childhood trauma, stormy adulthood, major losses, and painful illness? Today, I say yes to them all, because they have softened and enlarged me.

I say yes despite the lost years, faded dreams, and wasted energies. Unchosen pain brings its own rewards, when we find the space and heart to meet it with patience, curiosity, and perseverance. With time—and a little help from others—we move past resistance to find acceptance, and past acceptance to grateful appreciation for our selves, our circumstances, and our lives. 

Perhaps "no pain, no gain" is a deeper principle than we ever knew.